086: Should I Bring A Baby With Disabilities To This World?

To Keep The Child Or Not?

If someone is struggling with the painful decision of keeping a baby who is likely to be born with disabilities, what would you say to her?

Two days ago, a pregnant woman sought advice in a parenting group in the social media. She wrote about her dilemma,

“I am at the 13th week of my second pregnancy. A recent Down Syndrome test revealed an absence of nasal bone in the foetus, which caused alarm. I just did a further blood screening test, which will reveal the result in two week’s time. I am worried sick. What if the baby is inflicted with Down Syndrome? If the risk is high, should I keep the baby? Should I bring the poor child to suffer in this world.”

I was mulling over her words till the wee hours of morning. I felt compelled to share with her my thoughts, hoping that it would help the poor mother in her decision-making. Here’s my heartfelt sharing with her, which, to my surprise, garnered a lot of positive reaction from other parents.

Cherish The Opportunity To Make A Deliberate Decision

“I have a child with special needs. And I have not met any parent who deliberately CHOSE to be parenting a child with special needs. So, you have a precious opportunity to make a deliberate decision now.

I can tell you unequivocally that raising a child with special needs is a rewarding gift of love, humility and empathy. Raising my son has taught me what unconditional love and absolute patience mean. The journey so far might have been fraught with difficult moments, but I believe I have emerged a better person.

Weekend runs with my children (Photography by William WK Tan)

You can do even better. But that is only if you and your husband are willing to accept, love and support not only the child, but also each other unconditionally.

The Onus Is Solely On Parents

My son brings me much joy with his innocent smiles and every small step of progress he made. Life itself is a gift, disabilities not withstanding. It is not a suffering to any child if they are adequately loved and cared for. I am of the opinion that the argument children with disabilities will surely lead a life of hardship is flawed.

The real question is whether you and your husband are willing to accept that the child is not the problem. The real issue is whether parents are prepared to:

(1) accept the child fully;

(2) take up their responsibilities;

(3) learn about their child; and

(4) allocate time and resources wisely

Consider your family’s circumstances and the things you need to do to receive the child. If the more you know, the less scared you become, then you are ready to go on the journey.

A Journey (Photography by William WK Tan)

Let’s pray for the best and be prepared for the worst. Hopefully, it is a mistake. Meanwhile, please do serious research by watching video documentaries on raising children with Down Syndrome and read up everything you can find. If possible, visit some happy kids at the Down Syndrome Association. Better still, speak to parents of these kids.

In the end, after u have done all your research and had heart-to-heart discussion with your spouse, whatever decision you arrive is not for others to judge. You would know in your heart if you have made the right decision.”

From the heart (Photography by William WK Tan)

I hope my words have helped someone out there.

William W K Tan

24 October 2020, Saturday

081 How To Discover Joy From Tending To A Vending Machine?

How does an autistic child discover joy from work?

About two weeks ago, I received a picture sent from an unknown phone number. The picture depicted a hand holding two packets of snacks high up, next to a note I wrote and pasted on the vending machine — “Party Snacks at $2 only. We just wanted to bring you more smiles!” These party snacks were specially packed by Cairn to sell snacks in bundle at a discounted price to the residents.

Beneath that picture, the sender wrote me an encouraging message, “Keep up the good work!! The packs really brought more smiles to my family.”

Screenshot with consent from customer.

I was moved. A customer reciprocated the efforts that we have put in and wrote us a feedback.

Excitedly, I shared the customer’s feedback with my family – “People appreciate what we are doing.”

I praised my sixteen-year old son, Cairn, who has been running the snacks machine since three months ago, “You are doing a great job! Your work brings smiles to others.”

Cairn grinned at my compliments, but it was unclear to me how much an autistic boy can comprehend the significance. Cairn understands well that his job is to refill snacks and collect money. But does he know the higher purpose, that is, to bring convenience and joy to others?

I hope my son discovers the joy of working. But it seemed like a tall order to explain that to an autistic person with limited verbal ability.

An Opportunity To See A Happy Customer 

Shortly, another learning opportunity arose when Cairn and I chanced upon a little boy in orange pyjamas one evening. Pointing at a snicker bar in the vending machine, the boy pleaded repeatedly to his care-giver and domestic helper, “Aunty, I want that chocolate!”

Picture taken of the boy and his domestic helper.

I pulled Cairn aside and said, “Don’t go too near. Let your customer buy first.”

Cairn watched on quietly as the domestic helper pocketed out some coins and inserted into the machine. The boy picked up a bar of chocolate in jubilation. I asked Cairn, “What did the boy buy?”

“Snicker!” A quick and confident reply ensued.

“And how does the boy feel?” I asked.

Cairn smiled and replied, “The boy feels happy!”

“Why?” I probed further.

“The boy feels happy because he eats chocolate!” Cairn explained. The boy had un-wrapped his snicker and was munching away happily!

I nodded approvingly, “Yes, you are right.” I continued, “You see? You make people happy by refilling the snacks for them. Good job!”

Cairn’s grin grew wider.

A Close Encounter With A Customer

Two days ago, a man in his thirties approached us most unexpectedly as when we were about to refill the machine. He said, “I wanted to tell you…”

I was half-expecting him to say something like “the snacks did not drop the previous time I bought”. I hear that kind of complaint occasionally.

That kind of problems were largely solved after I provided my mobile number as the customer service hotline on the machine. I remembered how pleasantly surprised a sweet-looking lady was to find her problem solved shortly after she texted me at night.

Screenshot with consent from customer.

Instead, the man said,“… You are doing a great job!”

Surprised, I could only reply with a “Thank you” and became tongue-tied. Receiving compliments from customers in text messages is nothing new, but it felt different hearing such encouraging words in person.

The man said with a chuckle, “You kept improving the selection of snacks. I really liked that Hainanese Chicken Rice Mamee Noodle you recommended in the machine! The taste is so authentic that I took a picture and shared with my friends.”

Source: https://mothership.sg/2019/08/hainanese-chicken-rice-mamee-where-to-buy/

I said “Thank you” profusely. The man probably thought that I was not good with words, as he had no idea the emotion stirring in me. Cairn probably felt it. He was standing next to me, grinning even wider than ever. He couldn’t say in words but he understood.

Gradually, Cairn is getting the idea that he is doing a happy business. It brings great joy to my family to see the excitement on his face as Carin collects and count his daily earnings, though meagre at this stage. Cairn would meticulously stacks the coins and adds up the sum.

Cairn counts his daily earnings.

Thoughts on moving forward

I have received several queries about setting up the vending business.

Let me be upfront, it costs me only SGD$5000 to get started, that’s all. You may spend more, up to SGD$10K if you chose newer and more sophisticated models of vending machine. The real challenge is not the money involved, but the real work behind — the business set-up, the types of machine, the sourcing of merchandise, the placement of machine, and the methods to improve sales and so forth. All that takes a lot of time and energy, and I can imagine people giving up easily. But looking at how Cairn has flourished, it is worth all the effort I have put in.

What I need to do next is to improve the earning yield of the vending machine and increase the number of machines for my son. One day, I hope Cairn can operate multiple machines in the neighbourhood and earn his own keep. It is important that my son, like any other person in the society, leads a productive and fulfilling life.

https://www.timeout.com/tokyo/news/

I hope to help others too. That’s why I had shared the five principles of job-creation in the previous post. Helping more families will spur me to look out for more locations, more machines and create more job opportunities for the disadvantaged ones in the society is a meaningful thing to do. And I envision that it would be beneficial for Cairn and other children in disadvantaged situations to form a closely-knitted network where families help each other to improve their children’s livelihood. And this is where I can truly apply my coaching skills and know-how as an education consultant.

So, if you are asking me questions on behalf of a friend with a child with disabilities, get your friend to contact me directly. But if you are asking just out of personal interest, please be patient to read and learn more from my blogs.

WordPress Free Photo Library

With the COVID-19 pandemic raging across the world now, we are grateful to all the personnel working tirelessly at the front line to keep us safe. For me, I stay focus on simple things that brings joy to me and my family. I hope you are doing the same too. Take good care, everyone! For ourselves and others!

William W K Tan

28 March 2020

065 Time to Clean Up Our Act

A Boy Who Thinks Cleaning Is Somebody Else’s Job 

One Sunday, a ten-year-old boy interrupted the swim coach, SC, who was giving my son Kyan individual coaching.

“Yucks!  Coach, there is tissue paper in the water over there.”

The coach replied, 

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know. It’s so dirty! That’s why I tell you.”

Coach SC told him, “I am teaching now. You think of a way to solve it yourself.” 

The boy looked surprised. He probably thought that it was none of his business after alerting the coach. But, within seconds, he came up with an idea, “I will complain to the Management Office!”

SC looked at me with a helpless smile.

Thinking that a teaching moment had appeared, I suggested to the boy, 

“Why wait for someone else to solve it? Since it disturbs you so much, just pick it up and throw it away!”

“No way! I am not a cleaner!” The boy protested loudly. Then he added, “Anyway, my mother will not allow it!” before swimming away.

I felt troubled by the boy’s words. What kind of young man would he grow up to be if his attitude remains unchanged?

A Young Man Who Refused To Clean Up His Mess

The boy made me think of a real-life story a friend NS told me. 

NS, a science teacher in a secondary school, spoke of a student she remembered vividly,

“From the first day of lesson in the laboratory, I have told all students, ‘We are dealing with all sorts of chemicals here. If you have made a spillage, clean it up yourself immediately because no one else knows how hazardous it could be. Simple and clear, isn’t it?’

Yet, there was this young man who refused to clean up the mess he made no matter what. He looked at the mess and said, “That is the job of cleaners!” And he even added, “At home, all the cleaning is done by the maid.”

I was mad inside me, but decided to teach him the right thing.  I moved close to his ear and whispered gently in a very soft sweet voice, “Bring your maid with you the next time,” before saying firmly, “But today, your maid is not here, so clean up!”

The young man relented and cleared up quietly, to the surprise of everyone. 

NS smiled triumphantly, a tiny dimple playing at the corner of her lips. 

Perhaps, we can learn a thing or two from this plucky young teacher in her early thirties. 

Schools and Families Must Come Together

Schools are finally doing what they were supposed to do long ago. When the Ministry of Education (MOE) decided to make it compulsory for all school-going children to help out with cleaning responsibilities in schools two years ago, many parents gave their thumbs up.

Photo: Straits Times Dec 12, 2016 “All schools to have cleaning activities daily from January”

I asked a secondary school boy, JC, about the cleaning duties he has to do in school.

He said, “Nothing much really. We have a duty roster that assigns us our duties which mainly involve cleaning the whiteboard and sweeping the floor.”

“That’s good. Everyone plays a part to keep the classroom clean.” I continued.

“Teachers just leave it to us. It doesn’t matter if you do it or not.” JC remarked.

“Did you do your duties?” I enquired, half expecting him to say he did.

“No…” He smiled sheepishly, “Many people did not do either. ”

“Teachers should check on you guys,” came my rebuttal.

“No. What is the point of having teachers  to check on us? It boils down to home training. It wouldn’t work if children are not expected to do the same at home.”

I mulled over his words. Yes, the boy is right. Double standards won’t work.

Lost Opportunities

Parents must play our part too. While most of us are generally in favour of imparting good living habits such as cleaning to children, some see cleaning duties as a distraction or burden.

Photo: WordPress Photo Library

Concerned that their children may be overloaded with school homework, and outside school activities such as tuition classes and sports, parents are reluctant to involve their children in housework.

A friend SM, who is a full-time home-maker, told me in a mix of resignation and jest, “My children used to help out more when they were young. It has become much harder to get them to do housework now. I have become the maid for the entire family.”

I laughed, but I am no better in getting my children do housework. Like many working families with young children in Singapore, we have a stay-in domestic helper who does all the cleaning and other household chores. The opportunities to impart values to children through housework become lost.

Be Considerate Towards Others

Perhaps, many parents and teachers missed the point about the value behind teaching cleaning responsibilities–to be considerate towards others.

Many years ago, at the end of a public seminar I conducted, I found a Japanese colleague KS going in between the rows of seats to pick up used plastic bottles and rubbish that were left behind by the participants. Embarrassed by the littering habits of fellow Singaporeans, I followed suit to clean up the place.

Source: http://www.zerowastesg.com

Later, KS told me, “Japanese are taught since young to think about others when we do cleaning at home and in schools. Imagine how the next person would feel and think if we do not clean up.”

Be considerate towards others — it’s such a simple and beautiful reason. Don’t you agree? 

William WK Tan

17 May 2019

057 Do children pick up their parents’ values?

What if children do not pick up values from parents?

Parents hope that children will pick up values from them. Story-telling is the most commonly used way to teach children values. Almost every child I know learn the value of honesty from the fable of “The Boy who Cried Wolf”. And that is not all. Parents preach even more by borrowing anecdotes, religious dictums and moral stories. All these well-intentioned efforts are carried out in the hope that good values will be drummed into children as they are growing up.

Picture from Miles Kelly Publishing Ltd

However, by the time children become adolescent, preaching ceases to work. Sometimes, it even backfires. As children grow older, they become more susceptible to outside influences such as friends and the Internet. The reason is children rather trust their own sources of information, than to listen to their parents. They have had enough of being told.

Picture from WordPress Photo Library

Some friends told me that their attempts to make a dialogue with their adolescent children now painfully resembles making a monologue. Children shrug, roll their eyes and reply “whatever” in a nonchalant or impatient tone.  A friend said she even resorted to text-messaging her teenage daughter at home.

The only option left, it seems, is for parents to walk the talk themselves, and hinge on the hope that things will turn out well somehow. But one worry lingers: What if children do not pick up values to protect themselves when they grow up.

Values protect children from harm’s way

A friend KW told me his story,

“Our paths diverged after secondary two. You were the serious-and-hardworking type who went to the top class and got into top schools. And I was the happy-go-lucky chap who later got into big-time trouble for gang involvement. I had to find my way back after many twists and turns.”

He explained, 

“Our difference was you held strong values even as a teenager. No one could persuade you to do what you think otherwise. As for me, I never wanted to do anything bad. I was seeking recognition and acceptance, which were absent at home and in school. Then I got it from the wrong people and place. Before I knew it, things just went too far…”

KW and I in those days of innocence at secondary one.

We were in the same school, and came from similar family backgrounds. I could never imagine that a person as affable as KW could go astray. His story was a stern reminder that values protect children from harm’s way. With strong values, children learn to discern negative influences and know the parameters of unacceptable behaviour.

KW has come a long way. He is now successful both at work and at home.  I admire KW’s tenacity, and above all, touched by his affection for his daughter. He said, “Every night, no matter how tired I get, I will make time to listen and chat with my teenage daughter. Even my wife is jealous.” He said with a grin.

Picture from WordPress Photo Library.

His family even provides foster care for at-risk children from vulnerable families.  I respect and understand what KW is trying to do: to guide and protect more children by inculcating values.

Is your method of imparting values working?

For some time, I was quietly concerned that my preaching methods were not working. My 13 year-old boy Conan has strong views of his own. And he did not shy from showing his annoyance of being told. On several occasions, I flared up and reprimanded him fiercely.

Picture from WordPress Photo Library

One day, after I apologised for my out-of-proportion reaction, Conan told me candidly the effect it had on him,

“I have learnt that arguing head-on wouldn’t work. Showing displeasure also doesn’t work. It will just escalate the tension. So I have learnt to pretend to agree with you and get over with it quickly.”

Embarrassed by his revelation, I made it clear to him,

“ You know that I am totally alright with you having different views.  I have never scolded you for any audacious ideas. You know, I will just laugh along with you. That’s what guys do.

So far, things like getting good school grades and making school choices, you have it your way. But my bottom line is this: Don’t be rude to your parents. When it concerns character-building, there is no compromise.”

As parents, we owe our children an explanation of our bottom-line. But inside me, I knew that I had to fix the ways I communicate values quickly.

Give Children Time

After several months of trial and error, I was pleasantly surprised to receive a text message from Conan one day. He wrote,

“In case you are wondering what I have been doing in the last 15 mins, here is what I have written.”

I was moved by the connection we share. I had the same fear when I was at his age. As I continued to read on:

I was smiling from ear to ear.

Children do pick up values from their parents as long as we never cease to try. Just be patient to give them time to think through by themselves.

Thank you, Conan!

William W K Tan

22/03/2019